The Misanthrope - Pieter Bruegel the Elder - 1568

Inscription below

“Because the world is perfidious, I am going into mourning”

(perfidious:  tending to betray, disloyal, corrupt, unfaithful…etc)

“The moral of the painting is that such a relinquishment of the world is not possible: one must face up to the world’s difficulties, not abandon responsibility for them.”

Because I’m so fucked up from my life of mourning & avoidance I’m doing take II this month of getting help tomorrow in order to continue to work and hopefully have some form of social life despite an overwhelming disillusion & heartbreaking loneliness, despair & anger with life, work, any hope of finding love again, playing music, writing…just about anything that matters to me.

There’s a funny thing I do where when I’ve had to take any amount of time of work for anything psych/counselling/depression related where I won’t tell anyone & leaving for an appt I’ll tell them pretty much as I have to go…like something just came up. There’s a wide range of reasons why. Not least of all being estranged from ppl because they assume I’ll be…….. or whatever. They’re not happy about this.

I’m good at what I do. My manager also likes me & respects the massive amount of effort I put in. Have you seen in Fight Club where when Ed Norton’s character confronts Helena Bonham Carter’s character & she asks him if it went like he rehearsed it in his head? I felt like they got inside mine. Quite a memorable scene for me that one. Anyway it was like that for my poor mgr about my erratic attendance & letting ppl know. I immediately realised and was the least difficult I could be. Today I gave a whole afternoon’s notice for an appt tomorrow morning.

I’m often quite happy in my own little world but as usual at a time like this, there’s a lot building on top of me while I’m ignoring it & so much getting away from me

Oh, I’d seen somebody last week for the first time and it didn’t work out. I felt like she’d been led to believe she was going to the latest Twilight & ended up at the Human Centipede. Horrible feeling. It’s not so much that I’ve had a Lars Von Trier movie life (going wild with the references today aren’t I?). I’ve had close family & other people close to me die of suicide & other self destructive tendencies. I’m very well aware of what it’s like to be left behind & all the rest. So I feel terribly guilty for having my own stuff. I’m also have a pretty good idea of all the shit you say to someone & have tried a whole bunch of stuff. It basically takes a pretty strong, & sharp person to get through my guards and layers…& open up etc

Anyway, this lady referred me to somebody that she strongly believed would be right for me & that is apparently quite good with troubled men socially…etc. I believed her. (Oh and if it didn’t work I could come back & see her so I didn’t go home too distressed & dejected) My intuition still tells me this is a good idea.

Afterall, they don’t have to do much but listen and not make me feel any worse.

Fingers crossed.

I may not seem quite right. But I’m not fucked, not quite

Elliott Smith - Bled White