JHFOS

Though last night wasn’t the night I was planning on, how many fun nights are?

It was a former work colleague’s last day do at an Irish Pub. I miss the guy and I’m glad I made the effort. His emails to me often make my week more interesting. He’s one of two people at opposite ends (he leans towards the left) I will gen ask about any political issue I want to know more about. The 60s & 70s music he’s into and grew up with is a big deal to me too.

The area I work at the moment makes me think that every single woman in the world is already taken and if I meet anyone that isn’t its even worse. The rest of my life too. Whatever type I am is just not in now. Anyone who’s I am, its feels like a novelty one off kind of thing or it literally is. So even when it appears to work in my favour and have nights I don’t go to bed alone I’m still unhappy. Some painfully, brutally obvious material, status related reason why they’re paying attention to me. I’ve already gone on plenty about this sort of thing. It fucking sucks.

Imagine my surprise when I show up and to the sassy smart girls there I’m like a little kid’s Christmas. This isn’t the first time it’s been like this this year (the other was at my Cognitive BT class I did). In one room of ppl I’m a weird chaotic, alternative guy that is into things that often intimidate or alienate ppl and I’m single and look sort of androgynous looking but I’m not actually gay. How confusing. Not that easy to figure out. In another I’m an intelligent, talented funny guy with a sarcastic sardonic sense of humour and can talk about 1000 diff things. I just have to spend drastically more time with the former right now. I end up unintentionally insulting them too just by being me. It’s fucked up man. This again makes me kick myself for agreeing to move to the area I now am. I’m much better in an aspiring kind of environment I was in in the heart of the city. Rather than a settled environment where everybody is partnered up and domestic and so on. I’m definitely more well liked and have a lot more in common & things to talk about with them. 

I regularly have to convince myself that I AM on the right track, I am very much headed towards where I’m supposed to be, even if I’m not exactly where I want to be right now. If I was trying to impress somebody about how well I’m doing I’m technically in a better place right now. There are people looking out for me and a lot about me is appreciated. Or at least put to good use. It’s difficult though. I’m definitely and obviously struggling. 

Anyway, it was very nice. This young lady Sam presented to me exactly as I ever would somebody to. The very simple thing that nobody seems to think of anymore. Talk to me as just you talking to me. I will definitely do the same. I pretty much don’t mind whatever you did or didn’t do before you were with me right now. Not obviously as potentially one of the other many rapey creeps (which I’d like to say I am sorry for, it is embarrassing to be of the same sex & share genetics with these people, not that I’m perfect, I’m better than the awful shit I see though. The internet has made ppl so easily become cowardly and cruel), or I’m just one of many in your pool of many potential dudes (This is all why I’ve been so reluctant to try online dating again. The Horror. The Horror). Show me that tiny bit of respect and I can be some of the best company you will ever have.

It was terrifying though. I’ve gotten quite used to being the alienated loner. It has been feeling permanent and I’ve been living accordingly. Not that I like it. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve largely abandoned my own music this year and I’ve taken one or two days off work this year because I wake up and think, why? Why do I do any of this? I’ve missed probably my favourite band Death Cab for Cutie twice because there is no way I can sit through Your New Twin Sized Bed, or Transatlanticism with my life currently as it is. I’d be better off only listening to the most generic so much $, I’m so fucking great, so many hoes on my dick hip hop. What am I getting out of any of this if it’s so constantly me vs the world? Anyway I texted a male friend “I’m in a car with some quite attractive women including somebody smart, sassy & confident who really seems to like me too. How do you talk to girls again?”

Though I may have pissed you off with a few things I’ve said in this post, you females I follow and talk to on here do a brilliant and often therapeutic job of fucking with and countering the constant barrage I see, hear and read constantly….All guys care about is sex and looks. All women care about is status and $… No matter what anybody says, we love it when you make us laugh and what you have to say too. I love your words and your thoughts. It’s a big deal. As lovey dovey as it sounds, this includes offensive and bizarre stuff too. You know, I sometimes go out of my way to favour & comment on something interesting or intelligent you might say over an attention seeking showing off your goods post. I then realise that’s just silly. Who am I kidding? I love boobs and all the rest as much as the next guy, and I’m plenty vain and attention loving too.

Not to leave out the guys. You’re great too. 

Back to what I was originally talking about, I could really grow to like this young lady. She is as active as I was before I got overcome with this horrifying loneliness and disillusion. She does more with her free time in a month than a lot of ppl do with their lives. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere major (I hope it does), it is a very good thing I went out last night.

=]